54-Year-old Man Regrets what Man Buns and Saggy Beanies did to his Scalp

Photo by Neil Moralee

BROOKLYN, NY – Local resident and former vegan, freelance quinoa cultivator, and aspiring playwright, Michael Hawley, 54, says he can’t believe the type of person he used to be.

Speaking from his one-bedroom apartment in the once-trendy neighborhood of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Hawley recounted to The Daily Orb, the aspects of his lifestyle that seem particularly strange when looking back.

“I spent all this time doing things I didn’t actually enjoy,” he lamented. “I carried fun-sized autobiographies of Che Guevara in my back pocket that I never read, I planted quinoa that never grew, and I aspired to write plays that I never wrote.”

Hawley says it wasn’t until quite recently that he realized it was okay to do things simply because he enjoyed doing them, and has since been able to forgive himself for the person he once was.

Nonetheless, there is one part of his lifestyle, that he continues to beat himself up over.

“Look,” he said “sitting through movies I hated about ants rights activists in Tibet, or trying to open a boutique saltine-cracker sandwich shop are honestly experiences I have allowed to fade into the past. What I really can’t move on from is the way I used to wear those [expletive] beanies.”

Hawley then described the process of putting on a beanie every morning – even during the summer months – and the struggle of making it seem that he had thrown it on so nonchalantly that it happened to be showing one-fourth of his hair.

“I’d  stand in front of the mirror for hours with a ruler and super glue, making sure I meticulously moved it back a distance of 5.3 millimeters, I lost a lot of hair because I used superglue to make sure it stayed put,” he explained.

“It got a lot worse when man buns got popular at the same time because I had to cut the beanie off of my head and buy a new one every other day to keep up with both styles, eventually doctors had to skin-graft my scalp with skin from my ass because of all the flesh I was removing.”

Hawley says he has since renounced all trends, opting instead for what he calls an “almost retro, simplistic style” represented in his white Hanes t-shirts and loose-fitting blue jeans that he wears on the weekends when he’s not at his 9-5 at a local bank, donning a “purposely generic,” casual-fit, suit.

He began screaming uncontrollably when The Daily Orb asked him if he was aware that this look and lifestyle are referred to as #PostNormCore.