WASHINGTON, DC – In a devastating report released Monday morning by the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA), statistics show a perfect correlation between food consumption and mortality.
“The numbers are irrefutable,” said FDA spokesman Ellie Browning, “there’s a clear link between eating food and dying at some point in your life.”
Although the report is based off a 150-year-old study of more than six million people around the world, the results point to an astonishing consistency across the board, with the “Discussion and Conclusion” section stating that:
“It doesn’t seem to matter where you’re from, your education level, your wealth; it doesn’t even matter the type of food you eat! The truth that there’s an unwavering link between eating food and dying some sort of death at some point is just something we as humans will need to become accustomed to.”
Despite the confidence expressed by the study’s authors, some in Congress are skeptical.
“I’ve never trusted these kinds of studies. How do we know where they’re getting their information?” said longtime Congressman Butch McConnell (R-KY), “I ate food this morning and I’m not dead. I don’t see that these eggheads can be taken seriously.”
McConnell’s colleague Sam Inhofe (R-OK) went so far as to eat a sandwich on the floor of Congress to display how one could survive food consumption.