God joins ranks of those sabotaging Sanders campaign

Photo by Marc Nozell

God issued a statement on Tuesday saying that it is the latest entity to join the establishment to ensure that presidential hopeful and Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders does not win the Democratic nomination for president.

The statement came in the form of a vision that all registered voters saw in their dreams during the early hours of Tuesday morning. Voters reported finding themselves in a celestial scene, when a deep voice identifying itself as the almighty simply stated “I am God, and I have joined forces with super delegates, the media, and the Democratic National Convention (DNC) to prevent Bernie Sanders from winning the democratic nomination.”

The statement is the latest in a series of events highlighting suspicions that the establishment is working to sabotage Sanders’ campaign. His victory in Wyoming came with a loss to rival, Hillary Clinton for delegates, while his loss in New York came amid accusations of voter disenfranchisement. Paralleling his campaign has been the media’s consistent downplay of his victories, with commentators regularly asking if the Senator can recover from his “devastating wins.”

Over the past few days, indirect sabotage has become overt, with several key figures within the establishment outright admitting their involvement in preventing a Sanders victory. Before God’s statement on Tuesday was CNN’s admission that they altered Sanders headshot to make sure that his “skin looked saggier and his teeth looked yellower.” DNC chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz on the other hand, told talk-show host Ellen in an interview that she had been working with the NSA on a time machine that would allow her to stop Sanders from joining the civil rights movement.

Perhaps most shocking however is CNN’s Wolf Blitzer admitting to cutting the sound during an interview with the Senator in the hopes that Sander’s repeated “WHAT?”s in response to questions he could not hear, would present him as a “stereotypical, deaf Jewish grandfather.”

“This explains everything,” said 23-year-old Eduardo Martinez, a Sanders campaigner based in Rhode Island, “I kept wondering how people were getting away with this but now it seems so clear, we never had a chance, we were up against God.”

A few hours after God’s statement, a new #FeelTheBurn hashtag surfaced on Twitter, referencing voter’s fate in a burning fire-pit in Hell, should they choose to vote for Sanders.