Goya ‘canned’ from Supermarkets

Photo by Mike Mozart

WASHINGTON, DC —  Hot on the heels of the House of Representative’s vote to rename the “Cinco de Mayo” holiday “May 5th,” a bold decision was made today to officially remove products of Goya – a company best known for its canned staples of Hispanic cuisine – from supermarkets nationwide.

A long-standing stalwart of the American pantry, Goya has been counting its days since the inauguration of President Donald Trump in January. A mere three weeks into his presidency, Trump denounced Goya beans, claiming the business has been illegally crossing the border for years and is definitively linked to what he termed as “an assload of drug cartels.”

Though border patrol denies ever seizing Goya contraband and the company has pled with the court system for months to audit their headquarters in southern New Jersey, Goya has officially closed its doors as of Monday.

Lovingly referred to as their “rice and beans” instead of “brick and mortar,” a spokesperson for Goya stood with her head held high to announce the shutdown.

“We’re actually not a Mexican company,” stated Jennifer Lewis on Monday morning.

Many fear that Goya’s closing marks the beginning of a deportation plan for all Mexican-inspired food brands, despite the vast majority being US-owned and run. Several companies have preemptively responded with patriotism campaigns and menu additions that shift their primary focus away from Mexican cuisine. Possibly most dramatic is Taco Bell’s plan to replace their current logo bell with the Liberty Bell by the end of Q1 (logo featured below).


Consumer reation to these changes is mixed, with some Americans vowing to retaliate with every day Taco Tuesday and road trips to Canada for burritos, enchiladas, chips, dip, etc.

Others are open to new possibilities.

“I wasn’t expecting a bacon cheeseburger when I came in for Mexican today, that’s for sure.” said one surprised Chipotle patron in Arlington, VA, “But hey, I’m just glad they’re not taking our jobs anymore.”