Gunman kills 50 on train; all victims armed

Photo by Loco Steve

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Fifty people were shot and killed on Tuesday when a gunman opened fire in the quiet car of an Amtrak train en route to Philadelphia from New York City. Investigations have since revealed that all fifty people killed in the incident were armed.

The train was reportedly passing through Princeton, New Jersey, when the shooter, a middle-aged Caucasian man who had been exhibiting erratic behavior, stood up and proclaimed “this is an act of terror!” before shooting all fifty passengers in the car dead.

Reports from CNN, ABC, and Fox News have identified the shooter as James Smith, a middle-aged father of two who kept a website detailing his love for terrorism. Smith also seems to have had a troubled past evidenced by the fact that his parents were divorced and he was “often picked last for basketball games during recess when he was in third grade.”

Speaking to a crowd of mourners in New York City, President Donald Trump referred to the incident as “an act of insanity” and called for legislation and reforms to increase funding for mental health institutions.

Detective Larry Sizemore of the New Jersey Police Department told The Daily Orb in an interview that he and his team are “not at all surprised” to find that all fifty passengers were carrying firearms. Sizemore explained that “just because a victim has a gun, doesn’t mean they will use it to attack a shooter,” and went on to blame President Trump for 2016 legislation that eliminated gun control.

“He was wrong,” Sizemore said, adding that “We’ve known for a while now that an armed victim is just as vulnerable to attack as one who isn’t; the sudden arrival of a shooter is paralyzing; the odds that you’ll have time to pull out your own gun, which you are likely inexperienced in using, are quite low.”

“We’ve run a few simulations with fake guns before and every time it’s the same, 98% percent of the subjects are deer in headlights while two percent frantically fiddle with their pockets before pulling the gun out backwards,” he said, adding that “there’s always a handful people who soil themselves too.”

Minoj Gupta, a professor at Princeton University’s Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs, weighed in on the impact of what he call’s Trumps “lack of gun control” policy, in an interview with The Daily Orb conducted over email.

“I can’t figure out if this man is an evil traitor who hates America or just plain stupid. Before he was elected he literally said that arming citizens would allow for a shootout that would ‘whack’ the killers.  That was in November 2015, a time when 334 shootings in one year was a cause for concern. Well look at us today, we are less than two months into this year and there have already been 563 mass shootings. #ThanksDonald.”

The shooting resulted in the resurgence of the #ThanksDonald hashtag on social media, a trend reminiscent of the #ThanksObama, hashtag once reserved for former President Barack Obama.

In recent years, the former president has been idolized and honored by millions across the nation, particularly former staunch opponents of his such as John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Paul Ryan who started the “#WereSorryBarry” campaign on the basis that they “didn’t know how great America already was.”

The campaign is raising money and awareness surrounding the plight of the former president, who continues to be held on house arrest in an unknown building thought to be somewhere in South Chicago.

A vigil will be held for the victims of Tuesday’s shooting next Thursday February 12 at All Saints Church in Princeton, New Jersey.