PORTLAND, MAINE – The hunt is on for Hillary Clinton, who has escaped from a Federal Penitentiary in Maine. Police are on the lookout for Clinton, who fled in the middle of a thunderstorm Monday night. Few details have been released, but it appears as if she escaped through a man-made tunnel.
A prison guard, speaking anonymously, said that they were initially unsure how Clinton had escaped as there were no obvious signs of her exit from her cell. Upon further investigation however, a hole was discovered behind a poster of famous 1960s pin-up, Raquel Welch, which was hanging on the wall. It was then made apparent that Clinton had escaped through a tunnel she had been digging for the last 19 years and then through the prison sewage pipes.
Clinton is famously known for running as the Democratic candidate in the 2016 Presidential election against Donald Trump. After losing, President Trump swiftly instructed the Attorney General to hire a special prosecutor, who performed an extensive two-day investigation on Clinton. The prosecutor, who never made a public appearance and was known as Tonald Drump, found overwhelming evidence of her guilt. She was serving two consecutive life sentences for “so many lies, so much deception.”
The Daily Orb gained an inside scoop from one of the inmates, who goes by the name “Red.” When asked if he knew Hillary Clinton he replied “Yeah, I think it would be fair to say…I liked Hillary from the start.”
When asked what the best advice the former Secretary of State and First Lady gave him, he said she once told him, “I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying.”
Police are planning on scouring the beaches of Zihuatanejo, Mexico for the escaped Hillary Clinton as it appears she based her escape entirely on the film, Shawshank Redemption.