Islamic State thanks Donald Trump at 76th UNGA

NEW YORK — President of the Islamic State, Abu Bakr al-Baghdady thanked American President, Donald Trump during his address at the 76th session of the United Nations General Assembly for “divisive rhetoric which ultimately ruined the United States and allowed the Islamic State to defeat infidels and become a legitimate world power.”

Al-Baghdady, who represented the Islamic State at its first legitimate United Nations appearance, said that while the group’s funding, resources, and manpower were key to its ability to establish a caliphate across what was once Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, and Jordan, President Trump’s rhetoric in the lead up to the US presidential election in 2016, “guaranteed victory on a different front.”

“Our aim in the mid 2010’s was to breed a certain fear and hatred that would make Muslims in the United States feel uncomfortable, victimized, and subsequently hostile,” al-Baghdady said to thunderous applause. He went on to explain that Mr. Trump began doing exactly this in 2015 after the San Benardino shooting in California.

“Suggesting the ban on all Muslims entering the United States back in 2016 was perfect, al-Baghdady said, explaining that “every society in the world has a couple hundred crazy racist fear mongering idiots, what keeps them at just a couple hundred is that they never see their extremist thoughts reflected in the mainstream, but Trump changed this and their numbers multiplied, for this we are grateful.”

Contrary to his campaign promise in 2016 to “Make America Great Again,” Mr. Trump currently leads a United States mired in chaos. His arrival at the White House, came within the context of a War on ISIS complete with legislation to protect the police, marginalize Muslims, and facilitate American’s access to arms.

But the laws were ineffective, as they gave way to deepened social cleavages and subsequent economic depression. Hate crimes against Muslims turned into outright murders, and in 2017 the passage of the ban on Muslims entering the United States yielded riots, looting, and violent clashes between Mr. Trump’s mercenaries and armed Muslims attempting to save their mosques from destruction. Meanwhile, the United States has regressed from world power, to failed state, as it has been removed the UN Security council and is currently a defendant in a case at the International Criminal Court where it has been charged with genocide. President Trump’s secretary of state, Kanye West, is currently in talks with the governments of Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates to secure a desperately needed financial aid package. Mr. Trump continues to be unaware of the fact that both of these countries populations are overwhelmingly Muslim and that Saudi Arabia has been directly linked to the terrorism he’s been fighting.

Al-Baghdady explained that as the United States became engulfed in economic issues, its ability to lead airstrikes on the group and work with partners in the region diminished, giving space to the organization’s then-supporters and current allies, Russia and Turkey to support the country’s transition from militant group to nation-state.

In an interview conducted via email, former President Barack Obama expressed his disappointment.

“I’m heartbroken,” said the former President, “Americans allowed their fear to drive their decision-making rather than logic, we are a cognitively lazy people, it’s too difficult for us to consider things like a patriotic Muslim in uniform dying for the United States. This image is too challenging for us to process.”

The former president is currently on house arrest in an unknown building in southeast Chicago for being what Mr. Trump says is a “towel-headed Saudi-born Muslim.”