YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK – ‘Wildlife’ is taking on a whole new meaning in the United States on Monday, following the Yellowstone conservation team’s announcement of a new plan meant to boost the presence of animals in the park.
“We’re committed to providing young American children with a truly immersive experience with nature,” said Ranger Tim Felders at the park’s press conference on Tuesday. “It’s as close to the real thing as anyone can get these days.”
For years, Yellowstone has struggled to preserve the park’s little remaining wildlife, who presently survive off of artificial ponds and imported grasses for sustenance.
“The price tag is astronomical,” Felders said.
The solution? Yellowstone will be the first participant in Project Havisham, a nature preservation program the government hopes will be embraced nationwide over the next decade.
Success of the program is contingent on a spritely bunch of taxidermists who will work with both standard plastic molds and recently departed animals to “revive” the Yellowstone landscape with strategically placed stuffed animals. The initiative guarantees visitors the chance to actually see American wildlife at the park while also providing safety by ensuring that park-goers can get as close as they want to the animals without being mauled.
While Ranger Felders and his team are hopeful, other rangers are apprehensive about the decision to walk away from wildlife preservation efforts.
“We’re basically saying ‘hey, we’ve given up on protecting wildlife,’ said Ranger Andrew King, “pretty soon they will be putting teddy bears in place of actual bears at zoos across the country.”
Still others believe the decision will increase daily park-goer numbers and allow for generally better work-life balance for many employees who work overtime to keep the animals alive.
“I can’t make plans anymore because I have no idea when I’m going to be called into the park,” complained 24-year-old groundskeeper Billy Wells.
“Why should I miss out on happy hour with my friends, or going on a vacation with my girlfriend to help keep a sheep alive?” he added. “I’m not an on-call surgeon.”