Trump defects from GOP; Launches Regressive Party

Photo by Gage Skidmore

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has defected from the Republican Party to launch the Regressive Party as part of his reelection bid for the 2020 presidential election.

Speaking Tuesday morning at a rally in New Hampshire, the 45th president told a crowd of 15,000 ‘regressives’ that the move “was a long time coming” and that it’s what he meant in 2016 when he said he would “make America great again.”

“The word ‘again,’ signifies the past,” he said, “and we can’t get to the past without regressing,” he concluded.

According to the party’s website, www.RegressingtoGreatness.org, a regressive agenda is just what it sounds like, a plan to reinstate a better America of the past. The social policy section of the website, for example, details the importance of repealing ‘toxins’ such as the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the need to introduce public school curricula that reinforce women’s role in society as homemakers.

The website acknowledges that there is a limit to its charted trajectory of regression, with the homepage explaining that, “we want to get back to the period where we were so awesome that no one wanted to mess with us, so we are not interested in reversing technological and scientific advancements and giving Native Americans their land back just so we can take it away again.”

“We’re thinking something circa 1945, when we were coming off back to back championships in the world wars,” it states.

But the website’s attempts to explain the limits within its regressive agenda, are not enough for some critics.

“I don’t get it,” says Nabeel Soliman, a 38-year-old political analyst and, stage-2 millennial (the latest trendy demographic describing dreamy, idealistic Americans born in the 80’s and 90’s who often drop out of PhD programs to pursue their seventh bachelor’s degrees). “He is choosing regression as a means of institutionalizing white supremacy by oppressing minorities, restricting immigration, and barring refugees but post-World War II America was much more progressive on these issues than today’s America; the Displaced Persons Act of 1948 for example, only applied to Europeans and was for a limited time but is still a much more progressive immigration policy than that of today,” he complained.

“So are they regressing to progression?” he quipped rhetorically, “if you’re going to institutionalize white supremacy, at least do it intelligently,” he added.

“I’m pretty sure Andrew Jackson, one of the most beloved heartless-white supremacist leaders of all time, would categorize this as one of the dumbest things he’s ever heard,” he concluded.

Jennifer Wells, a 46-year-old lawyer in Rockville, Maryland and ardent Trump supporter tried to address the disconnect in an exclusive interview with The Daily Orb.,

“We aren’t against progress as defined by Webster’s dictionary,” she explained, “but we are against a manifestation of progress that has allowed freeloaders, complainers, and the naturally inferior to have a chance at success,” she said. 

When pressed for a more logical and less hateful explanation, Wells stammered through a final response before putting on a red cap which read ‘Regression to Greatness’ on it and walking out the door.

“I guess the best way to put it is that we regress selectively.”

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