U.S. Halts all Snapchats with Russia

Photo by Ralph Alswang

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States has issued its strongest warning to Russia yet. Speaking at a press conference on Tuesday, Secretary of State John Kerry, announced that the U.S. government will no longer be sending Snapchats to the Kremlin. Seen universally as the final step before a declaration of war, the two nations will no longer communicate using the popular photo sharing application. According to Kerry, this is to include “sending Snaps, opening Snaps from Russia, and viewing Russia’s Snap stories.” Kerry added that “this was not a decision that was taken lightly.”

The declaration follows the news earlier this month that the U.S. would abandon efforts to work with Russia on the crisis in Syria. Analysts suspect that this successive development may be the final step before the Kremlin recalls its ambassador to the United States.

In response to the barring of Snapchats, Russia swiftly moved to unfollow the United States on Instagram. While the Russian government has not gone so far as to block the U.S., they did make the extreme move of untagging the Americans from their recent photos at last year’s UN General Assembly Session and Global Retreat at Disney World.

Nonetheless, Kerry insisted that he has not completely given up on improving relations with Russia. He confirmed that the United States had yet to unfriend Russia on Facebook, while making it clear however that, “all options are on the table.”

An emergency session of the G8 countries has been called to discuss the future of their Fantasy Football League. “We want to ensure the stability of the league. The U.S. and Russia need to understand that this is bigger than just their two countries,” Commissioner of the ‘G-8 is Gr8’ Fantasy Football League, Justin Trudeau stated.

As US-Russian relations deteriorate, an inverse phenomenon is taking place south of Florida. The United States and Cuba met this week to discuss the terms of a long-term plan to follow each other on Twitter. US Ambassador to Cuba, Jeffrey DeLaurentis, happily said, “Having our two great countries following and tweeting at each other is a huge step. I’m looking forward to reading Cuba’s tweets while zoning out listening to my wife and kids!”