WHO: Cow manure consumption linked to cancer

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — The World Health Organization has released a report asserting that human consumption of cow manure may cause cancer.

The report also includes information on other edible items that the human race has long used common sense to identify as what one man termed as “blatantly carcinogenic.”

The local area man, who is a barber at “Laser Cuts” in New York City’s lower east side expressed his frustration in an exclusive interview with The Daily Orb.

“So cow manure and motor oil are carcinogenic?” he asked snidely, “Who’d have thought? Certainly not all the idiots going wild about it on social media like it’s some kind of break through.”

The study joins the ranks of other WHO studies conducted over the past decade which have faced similar criticism from an ever-decreasing number of well-informed, educated Americans.

In May of 2021, the organization published a report warning against the consumption of the water in baby pools at public swimming facilities, citing that “the water in these incredibly shallow pools is often host to a slew of diseases coming from infant’s floating diapers and free flowing urine.”

As early as ten years ago, WHO deemed that “processed meats – such as bacon and hot dogs – can cause cancer.” The report was treated as groundbreaking with posts by disillusioned, triumphant vegans at the time declaring their victory on social media.

Terrence Forbes, a 41 year-old man who self-identifies as stage-2 millennial, the latest trendy demographic describing lazy middle-aged Americans born in the 80’s and 90’s who often drop out of PhD programs to pursue their seventh bachelor’s degree, has had enough.

“I’m not sure what they’re going for over there, maybe they realized ten years ago that since they can’t provide food to people who need it, they should just focus on telling them which ones they already know they should avoid?”

Forbes also noted that he “does not have any ill feelings towards the WHO” and that he hopes his comments do not have an adverse effect on his application for its unpaid internship program.

For its part, the WHO seems aware of the educated public’s lack of interest in its reports over the past ten years but maintains that the content is meant to target a different audience.

Anders Wellspring, a level two researcher at the organization, explained the rationale.

“America’s been on the downturn for quite some time now, once President Trump started winning in those primaries and the Republican Party began to self-destruct, we knew that literacy rates were going to freefall, the education system was going to deteriorate, and that the average American would develop an insatiable interest in the blatantly obvious.”

Wellspring added that WHO is currently working with fellow UN agency, UNESCO on a joint project meant to explore the correlation between poor nutrition and children’s academic performance in primary schools.

“It’s not just obvious, but it’s also been done before, so we’re really expecting a lot of buzz around this one,” he concluded excitedly.

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