GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT – In light of President Biden’s proposed capital gains tax increase on those making more than $1 million per year, much of Greenwich’s population has come out to grieve their losses at a candlelight vigil.
“I just can’t believe it’s going away, how are we going to eat?” said longtime resident and investment banker Chet ‘Chetman’ Richards, “People like us rely on paying less taxes than everyone else. We are the engine behind America’s economy and should be treated with reverence!”
Mr. Richards made his fortune in margin trading, buying short positions against the United States stock market.
“Going from paying 20% to, oh god it’s hard to even say it, almost 40%. It’s absolutely criminal,” said local housewife Darlene McClosky, “My father’s father’s mother’s father worked extremely hard for this money and now the government is just planning on taking it away from us just like that? Criminal, I say!”
“I suppose we could consider having our accountant finagle our income to be under $1 million, but I don’t know if that or paying this monstrous tax is worse. At least with the tax I could still look my neighbors in the eye. Ugh, under $1 million. Can’t believe I even considered it for a second,” Mr. Richards continued, “The Richards family does not make less than $1 million EVER. DO YOU HEAR THAN JOHNNY??“
Mr. Richards 6-year-old son nodded nervously as a tear rolled down his cheek.