43-year-old man unimpressed by Silicon Valley; ‘I already invented all that stuff’

Forty-three-year-old Brantley Bicks is unimpressed by Silicon Valley.

Bicks says that none of the “innovation” coming out of the acclaimed San Francisco hub for “innovation” is particularly “innovative.”

Part of this is due to Bicks’ claims to have already come up with all of these products and services with “minimal effort,” during his college days at the University of California, Santa Barbara. 

“Yeah I mean, Pip, Gils, Rocky and I would literally get out of class, grab our boards, light up a joint, and just ooze all these ideas en route to our afternoon surfs,” he told The Daily Orb.

“These Zuckerfucks aren’t geniuses. We could’ve been billionaires too if we gave two shits about actually writing any of these ideas down, but we were too busy living!”

Bicks went on to provide examples of products and services he and his “crew” already invented. He says that Venmo is basically the same thing as asking for separate checks, which he and his friends used to do every Tuesday night at Applebee’s Happy Hour in the late 1990s. He says that Uber is no different, as his friend Gils would tape a “taxi” sticker to his dad’s woody station wagon on Saturday nights and offer free rides to fellow students while under the influence. 

The platform Bicks is most unimpressed by though, is Twitter.

“Yeah, I mean like Pip created this mass text chain back in like 2003 and he would always send these like, uh….long texts? And we’d always get charged with these overage fees and our parents would kill us. So one time Rocky created the Pip Rule which meant that his text messages had to be under 155 characters. We even told him to think of it as a bird chirping and started calling his messages chirps,” Bicks explained.

“I could go on and on, but it just pisses me off sometimes that these 40 something bros are viewed as super wiz kids when they’re probably just losers that never had any real dreams like me.”

Bicks is an aspiring DJ living in his parents’ garage in Sausalito, California.