Originally published July 21st, 2016.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – Over the past several weeks, social media giant Twitter has rolled out its most recent and controversial feature to date; automatic tweets of its users’ unconscious thoughts. The feature is called NeuraTweet.
The feature utilizes the latest technology from Elon Musk’s Neuralink, which gathers data from a small chip placed behind the user’s right ear. Studies are still in progress on the long-term health implications of this revolutionary technology.
NeuraTweet accompanied by a lengthy Terms & Conditions statement – the writer of this article started reading three days ago is currently halfway through.
“We think the NeuraTweet has the potential to open up a lot more honest conversation in a world suffocated by social cues,” Twitter Co-Founder Jack Dorsey said in the company’s official statement.
This release was followed by the first NeuraTweet, also from Dorsey:
Reviews from users since the release have been mixed.
Some, including San Francisco resident and programmer De’Ron Simpson, are enjoying their flow of consciousness being automatically displayed on Twitter, “It actually ends up saving me a lot of time during the day. Typing Tweets by hand used to take forever. Plus this is more honest, more from the heart. You just have to get used to the occasional, er, weird one.”
Some of Simpson’s recent tweets include:
Others have expressed concern for what some consider to be an invasion of their most private thoughts.
“I had never actually tried this Twitter thing before,” said former President of the United States George W. Bush while speaking over the phone with The Daily Orb, “but my buddy Ted [Nugent] said I should give it a go. So I did. Probably shouldn’t have though. Heh.”
As we later learned, former President Bush had managed to acquire a Neuralink chip and had his 8-year-old grandson navigate the 1-step Twitter sign-up process he described as “kinda confusing”.
Having unknowingly activated the NeuraTweet feature while trying to change his profile photo to “this cool picture of Jesus wearin’ an American bandana”, the former President’s account was active for 72 hours before a member of his PR staff was notified and promptly deleted the account.
Despite being active for 72 hours, the President’s account managed only single tweet which coincided with the airing of Tyler Perry’s newest sitcom on TBS and has since made national headlines. The tweet read six words:
In the minutes following, rap star Kanye West’s Twitter account exploded: