NEW YORK, NEW YORK – There’s something that’s finally reuniting the United States of America; gratitude.
Gratitude from the millions of cable news viewers around the country for the hosts who continue to do the hard work of forming opinions, on topics from politics to social issues to foreign policy and everywhere in between, for them.
“Phew, you know, I’m not sure how I’d be able to fit forming my own opinions into my already packed day,” said nightly MSNBC viewer Kary Blevins, “Not only is it inconvenient, it’s actually a little scary to think about. I mean what if I had an opinion like Fox News? What if I disagreed with one of the girls at my book club? What if I start getting called a Karen?? I mean my name is close enough already! It honestly makes me a little nauseous. Thank goodness for Rachel [Maddow].”
Dedicated Fox News viewer Thomas Morewell, in what he describes as maybe the only area he would agree with Ms. Blevins on, is also incredibly grateful for his cable news hosts.
“Night after night, I can count on Tucker [Carlson] to let me know exactly how I should be thinking about whatever he tells me the news of the day is,” Mr. Morewell said, “It saves me the trouble of having to sort through all the super boring ‘centrist’ news and instead gets right to whatever Tucker says are the facts. Then I can move on with my night. Which of course includes Hannity. And then Laura Ingraham. And then of course Sanford and Son reruns. But the important thing is that from the moment I turn off that TV, my work is done for me and I can focus on things that matter. Like posting on Facebook.”
Thinking for themselves?
“Not for me,” said Ms. Blevins.
“That we can agree on, libtard,” said Mr. Morewell.