HAPEVILLE, GEORGIA – Chick-fil-A, the chicken-only fast-food chain famed for both its waffle fries and founder’s comments about the LGBT community, released a statement Monday morning stating its commitment to lowering the number of homosexual chickens used in their food products.
Gary Cluckins, a poultry operations business specialist for the brand, followed up saying that “about 10-20% of the chickens we receive from our suppliers are homosexual. These chickens can range in severity in anywhere from Kristen Stewart to RuPaul on the homosexual chicken scale.”
“Our customers have an expectation that we use only straight, white, god-fearing chickens and we plan on delivering on that completely reasonable expectation,” he added.
In the months leading up to this news, Chick-fil-A has publicly hired many notable chicken scientists to work on their “Coversion Therapy.” Household names like Greg “Eggs” Benedict, Gary Waddle, Ken Roost, Shirley Scramble plus Icelandic transgender celebrity chicken scientist Sonee Cydöp will be charged with identifying and converting what is sure to be a surprisingly large number of gay chickens.
Mx. Cydöp noted that “we have seen tremendous success with our therapy citing the results of a double blind chicken study” while twirling a pink chicken feathered boa.
Public opposition to the new initiative, expected to be fierce, has been underwhelming due to a phenomenon known as Complicit Waffle Fry Effect (CWFE) where public sentiment is subdued due to the taste of those crispy waffle fries and that sweet, sweet dipping sauce.
When pressed on how they could tell if the chickens were homosexual Mx. Cydöp simply responded, “My pleasure,” before riding away on a rainbow mini tricycle.