WASHINGTON, DC — After weeks of brainstorming and deliberation, the Commission on Presidential Debates has figured out how to prevent President Donald Trump from childishly interrupting his Democratic challenger, Joe Biden at the next debate.
The Commission will provide moderator and NBC journalist, Kristen Welker with an array of “treats” fit for an ill-mannered child. She will offer these treats to the President in moments where he seems prepared to speak out of turn. As of now, these items include: 100 Ring Pops, 150 boxes of six-piece McNuggets, and a 64 ounce spray can of easy cheese. Welker has received strict instructions to use the same tonality parents use with their toddlers when offering them to the President.
Janet H. Brown, Executive Director of the Commission, says her team was inspired by Fox News Anchor Chris Wallace, who moderated the first debate.
“Wallace tried to coddle him into obedience by saying stuff like ‘you’ll like the next question.’ But in the short term — which is all we care about — you need more than words to successfully spoil bratty kids. So we thought – what if we paired that bad parenting with a nice big Ring Pop the President can flaunt and lick? Or say a can of easy cheese he can spray into the back of his throat at max volume?”
Behavioral psychologist, Dr. Suma Patel, who served as a consultant on the Commission’s deliberations, expects the move to be successful.
“Originally they were talking about cutting the President’s microphone when he spoke out of turn but children are much more responsive to positive reinforcement than negative. If they cut the mics, Trump may have stormed off stage.”
The Trump campaign has agreed to the adjusted format, with a source telling the Daily Orb that the President has furnished a list of “additional items” he would like to be offered. This includes: “a spoonful of funfetti cake frosting, Zebra Cakes, Twinkies, and free lollipops from the bank,” among others.
Former Vice President Biden issued an official statement on Tuesday that expressed his respect for debate protocols and assurance that he “doesn’t need any treats.” Later that day, however, a handwritten note addressed to the Commission in the presidential hopeful’s handwriting surfaced in media outlets: “Here’s the deal. I know when to shut up but if food’s gonna be allowed at this thing I’d love a few Werther’s Originals to suck on just for the hell of it.”
This is not the first time the Presidential Commission has acted drastically to preserve the integrity of this time-honored tradition in American politics. In 2016, when the issue of Trump’s lies were of greater concern than his complete disregard for human decency, the Commission introduced electric nipple shocks, which acted as real-time fact-checkers.
The House of Representatives’ Bipartisan Working Group has hailed the decision, and tasked the Commission with developing a similar plan in the event Trump loses reelection and rejects the result.
“As of right now, all options are on the table,” Brown said. “We’re looking at everything from sedating him until he wakes up in Disney World, to throwing him in a moonbounce with all the leftover treats from the debate”