BOTTOM OF A POND, VIRGINIA – Another barrier has crumbled in the world of professional writing as controversial writer S. Fat Catfish becomes the first catfish to ink a book deal in the United States.
“Today marks a historic day in the annals of literary art,” said New York Times Book Review editor, Marc Schupin, “When an author from such humble means can fight his way from the bottom and finally triumph. It just goes to show the magic that is the art of writing”
No stranger to controversy throughout his brief career, the news of S. Fat Catfish’s literary debut has rubbed others the wrong way.
“It’s a fucking catfish you idiots,” said an obviously jealous competing-writer who insisted his name remain anonymous, “And the only reason I’m requiring you keep my name anonymous is not because I fear retribution because, again, it’s a catfish. But because I worry that I would never be taken seriously again after having my name in an article about a catfish that makes shapes in the mud.”
“And you realize the locals called the thing Stinky Fat Catfish right? A Stinky. Fat. Catfish. Just signed a book deal. Am I taking crazy pills?”
The ‘shapes’ the pathetically jealous writer is referring to are in fact S. Fat Catfish’s method of writing.
The beautiful act was first observed earlier this spring when Joan Wolverton, a professor of literary history from the University of Virginia who was on a peyote retreat at a local farmhouse, happened to be walking by the pond in which S. Fat Catfish resides.
“I had just finished my morning routine of rubbing honeysuckles across my nude body when I became aware of this beautiful event taking place on the pond bank just below where I was standing,” said Wolverton, “It was only then I realized that I was in the presence of greatness and began documenting what I was privileged to observe.”
What Wolverton witnessed was the author’s now-famous daily habit of marooning himself on the edge of the pond, flailing his wondrously supple form, resulting in the creation of supremely unique formations. These formations, or ‘shapes’ as the jealous author referred to them, have been interpreted by the professor into a series of writings which compose S. Fat Catfish’s ever-expanding portfolio.
Before continuing further with the interview, Wolverton insisted on addressing the sticking point that has made S. Fat Catfish such a controversial author, “And to those who have an issue with the complex way in which this brilliant artist communicates, I say you to: it is not S. Fat Catfish’s fault that our simple minds are not able to interpret his works of genius.”
Thus far in his short career, S. Fat Catfish has produced such masterful works as CsCuU, the instant class SSU and, of course, fan favorite CCCCCS.
Obviously unable to appreciate such esoteric work is the farmer who lives on the property adjacent to that of S. Fat Catfish, “Yeah something ain’t right with that fish. It’s been thrashing up on that bank every morning now for a few months. Probably got worms on the brain or something.”
“I have pity for such small-minded individuals,” said Wolverton with tears in her eyes, “I can’t imagine living in a world without the beauty of S. Fat Catfish.”
Despite having just recently signed his book deal, the works of S. Fat Catfish have already gained a significant following.
Evergreen State College in Oregon has announced it will be offering an entire major path dedicated to the analysis of S. Fat Catfish. Many students, some even nearing graduation, have decided to completely restart their college curriculums in order to take advantage of such a rare offering.
“I actually feel ashamed that we haven’t been talking more about how catfish feel,” said Evergreen College junior Aaron Minillo, “I can’t imagine how unsafe catfish must feel all the time. They have no safe spaces. I actually feel unsafe talking about it right now! Where’s my Xanax?”
Singer Jewel has already composed an entire acoustic album inspired by the writer while industry rumor has it that rapper Lil Dicky is in negotiations to feature S. Fat Catfish on his latest single, My Dick Looks Like a Catfish Whisker.
The future seems bright for this budding literary star. And as a news reporter for The Daily Orb, this journalist understands that he should stay objective. But there are some times where rules must be broken. S. Fat Catfish is the greatest artist to ever grace this universe’s existence and we should feel lucky to bear witness.