NEW YORK, NY — The odor in James and Tina Baker’s two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan’s Upper East Side is one of human fecal matter, hot garbage, morning breath, and foot cheese. The floor is covered in dirty clothes that seem to have been soiled by both inhabitants’ urine, while the trash can’s lid is wide open, revealing a column of takeout boxes that reaches the ceiling. In the bathroom, the open toilet seat provides a regular unveiling of what the couple affectionately calls the “stalag-shite,” a hardened beam of human feces that firmly extends into the bathroom ceiling, named for its resemblance to stalactites and stalagmites found in caves.
On the couch, the young husband and wife, who recently tested positive for Covid-19, carry on with their daily activities, affectionately snuggling on a couch overflowing with used tissues and Vitamin-C capsules, as they start their fifth watch of the new underwhelming Netflix series, The Queens Gambit.
Speaking inbetween episodes, James Baker explains how his home so quickly came to resemble a sewage drain.
“I was taking a dump after getting a positive test result and noticed there was no odor, which made me realize I had lost my sense of smell. So I decided not to turn the fan on. My wife turned out to have the same symptoms, so she came in and dumped right on top of it without flushing.”
Tina, whose chin is covered in a film that resembles dried easy cheese chimes in to explain that it was all downhill from there.
“One thing just led to another you know? No more morning breath so why brush our teeth? Can’t smell garbage so why take the trash out? Can’t smell body odor so why wear deodorant, or wash our clothes, or take showers? Can’t smell the bathroom so why not make the whole house our bathroom? Can’t taste rotten food so why not eat the garbage?”
The couple has no plans for if and when their senses return.
“We definitely hope to be cured soon, but if not, we look forward to maintaining this cheap and effortless lifestyle. For example, our dinner is free tonight because we didn’t have to pay for a gallon of curdled milk and we can’t taste it anyway,” James said.