Court rejects ‘morning shits’ in wrongful termination case

New York, NY — The state supreme court ruled in favor of water giant, General Hydramics on Tuesday, in a wrongful termination case that has captured the eyes of New Yorkers for the better part of the last two years.

The plaintiff, Mr. Hamed Abbas, a 34-year-old former financial analyst at the company, claims he was wrongfully terminated by General Hydramics in 2018 on account of what he describes as “morning shits that must happen before I leave for work in the morning.”

Abbas’ lawyer, Dale Baldwin, described the issue in greater detail in his opening statement, explaining that Abbas’ digestive system “works like a clock.”

“If he doesn’t defecate before he leaves home, he risks shitting his pants running to the subway, to the office, or, if he’s lucky, using the miserable tin can his office calls a bathroom stall, where people peek to see who’s sitting on the toilet through the crack,” he said.

Marco Cruz, a spokesperson for General Hydramics has consistently rebuked the legitimacy of these claims since the time of Abbas’ firing.

“We have maintained since the beginning of this saga that Mr. Abbas was terminated because of his habitual inability to report to the office on time five days a week. His bodily functions and activities in the privacy of his home are of no concern to us. We simply ask that he follow the guidelines enumerated in our handbook. We were lenient enough to tolerate this behavior until his 656th warning for tardiness, at which point we were forced to terminate him,” Cruz said in a public statement following the verdict.

Abbas fired back after reporters read these comments to him outside of the courtroom on Tuesday, explaining that he did everything he could to make sure the morning shits would come out as quickly as possible on a daily basis.

“What else did General Hyrdamics want me to do? I woke up extra early, drank tons of coffee, drank prune juice, took laxatives, and even gave myself an enema, but no matter what I do, the shit comes at exactly 9:03 every morning. If I try to leave the house before it comes, I just shit myself.”

Baldwin added that General Hydramics was not telling the whole story, explaining that his client requested “reasonable accommodation” from the company’s Human Resources department on several occasions only, to receive a $5 Walmart gift card to, as the email put it, “go buy a box of diapers.”

“I don’t think it’s outlandish for me to explain that my client did not want to wear diapers to work,” Baldwin added.

Abbas said he would not be pursuing the matter any further, as the GoFundMe he set up at the outset of the legal battle has raised nearly $3M dollars, and brought his attention to thousands of others suffering from the same affliction. He plans to put the money towards his new life coaching business, “AM Shits.”