Democrats celebrate ‘Mission Accomplished’ as Trader Joe’s ‘ends racism’

Washington, DC – Prominent Democrats are rejoicing.

Celebrations in the US Capitol, within the Biden 2020 campaign, and in sanctuary cities across the country took place on Tuesday, after California grocery giant, Trader Joe’s, made a landmark decision to rename a number of its international food products deemed “racist” by a small, yet vocal number of customers.

Products labeled “Trader Ming’s,” “Trader José” or “Trader Giotto’s,” which described Chinese, Mexican, and Italian food will be renamed as “Trader Joe’s,” “Trader Joe’s,” and “Trader Joe’s,” respectively. 

Speaking on the House floor today, Majority Leader, Nancy Pelosi lauded the decision by the grocery store as a “watershed moment that has banished racism to the annals of history.”

Democratic presidential candidate and former Vice President, Joe Biden weighed in with his support in a short video posted to his Twitter account where he expressed excitement with “yet another Joe understanding exactly what Black people go through,” he went on to remind viewers that he was the Vice President for the country’s first Black president for what analysts say was the 8,767th time.

Former presidential candidate and Mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttigieg shared his elation with the decision in an exclusive interview with The Daily Orb. 

“This is what middle America, the real America is all about,” he said “you don’t have to blow the whole system up to make change, Gone with the Wind, Aunt Jemima, and now Trader Joe’s; these are the modest steps that Americans are capable of and it’s how we put racism in the rearview mirror of our mid-sized, 2010’s era sedans for good.”

Buttigieg also took a moment for reflection, waxing on how the resounding defeat of racism could have been derailed by more “radical proposals.”

“If we had tried something nuclear like ending qualified immunity, restructuring police unions, reevaluating the role of police officers and their funding, or pushing for the prosecution of uniformed murderers, we would have lost the other side, and we need the oppressors at the table so we can make sure we aren’t alienating them if we want real, lasting change.”

Celebrations are expected to continue over the next few weeks, with chair of the Democratic National Convention, Tom Perez tweeting that it’s time to “party like it’s 1863,” presumably referring to the year the Emancipation Proclamation was issued.

Trader Joe’s CEO Dan Bane, is expected to be the keynote speaker at the 2020 Democratic National Convention next month.