‘Destination Wedding’ ruined by jealous guest

MYKONOS, GREECE – A couple was horrified on Saturday when their destination wedding in Mykonos, Greece was hijacked by an envious guest.

The couple, Craig and Madison Jennings, were happily listening to a speech by maid of honor, Karen Larson, when wedding guest, Karen Horne, a “peripheral friend of the couple,” snatched the microphone from Larson. According to the accounts of shaken guests, the interjecting Karen then went into a diatribe of what many described as “back-handed compliments” under the guise of knowing the couple better than “any of these sloppy betches and sluts” in their wedding party. Ms. Horne is said to have consumed several glasses of prosecco prior to her debut.

After combing through a wide range of personal accounts of the incident from guests, The Daily Orb has pieced together Karen’s comments. Upon commandeering the microphone from Karen Larson, Karen Horne, slurring her words and lightly swaying about in what Mortal Kombat fans describe as the “fatality pose,” informed the group that Larson “barely knows these two lovebirds.” She went on to explain to guests that she had been excluded from the couple’s wedding party because of the “things she knows.” Larson then asked attendees to clap for the bride’s dress, “a work of art that does a decent job of concealing her fat saggy arms,” which really shouldnt matter any more thanks to the my body my choice movement,” that allows “betches like Maddy to ‘love her body’.”

Karen Horne also reminded Madison that it wasn’t so long ago that she asked Horne to join her in “meal-less Mondays,” where the two would replace three square meals a day with three spin classes for a day completely devoid of any food. Horne also expressed her disappointment that the “$2,245 Peloton bike I got her is probably just gonna collect dust now.” In response to the crowd’s gasps, and one guest’s cry that Karen Horne was a “self-centered fake friend who is a disservice to women everywhere!” Horne reminded everyone of her attendance at several Women’s Marches in New York City over the past several years 

Additional “compliments” about Madison’s appearance slowly gave way to Horne’s comments about the groom, Craig. 

“But in all seriousness, this is a great couple, and Craig, he’s a great guy,” Horne mused, leading some observers to pray she may right the ship.

But they were proven wrong when Horne described her first encounter with the newlywed, which happened when she “ditched Madison and the rest of the betches during Gallantine’s 2K13,” for what she described as, a “quick lay” with Craig. She went on to share her prediction with Madison that it wouldn’t be Craigs “small dick” that would finally deal her “first orgasm” but that she’d be happy to connect them with professional help.

Horne’s unplanned comments closed with well-wishes for the bride, which seem to oddly include her budding interest in photography.

“Never forget that I set up your stupid Etsy page for your shitty corgi pics on your iPhone,” she said.

As she stumbled back to her seat, Horne caught the eye of David Cartwright, the bride’s father, who stared her down as she missed the chair and fell to the ground.

“What?” she said defiantly as she shakily held his gaze “those betches weren’t listening to me so why should I listen to them?”