NEW YORK, NEW YORK – With Election Day a little over a week away, the Democratic National Committee is taking no chances with their candidate’s safety.
Tony Stark, head of Stark Industries and founding member of the Avengers, was tapped by the DNC to provide Joe Biden with an Ironman-type suit, nicknamed the Bidenman suit, to ensure his survival through what is sure to be an extended vote-counting period.
“We’re not taking any chances,” said DNC Security Chief D’Angelo Marshall, “I don’t know if you’ve watched the debates but it looked like a stiff breeze could have taken Joe down. I know I wasn’t alone in holding my breath when he closed his eyes to gather his thoughts, because it honestly seemed like a 50/50 chance he would open them again.”
The normal weaponry built into the original Ironman suit has been stripped in the Bidenman suit, replaced with life-sustaining technologies.
“There’s a defibrillator in there, it’s capable of a one-time blood transfusion and can even serve as an old-fashioned iron lung if we need it to,” continued Marshall, “and obviously the thing has an air filtration system because God only knows how the man hasn’t gotten COVID yet.”
The suit will also reportedly provide Biden with his daily dose of Metamucil to “keep him regular” in addition to providing a small, low-dose electric shock should he nod off at any important campaign events over the next week.
Marshall concluded the interview with a plea to Mr. Biden, “We’re almost to the finish line Joe, please don’t go pulling an RBG on us!”