DENVER, COLORADO – A local dog is desperate to finally learn the purpose of his owner’s years-long feces collection project.
“The commitment of my beloved human to collecting my feces, really as far back as I can remember, is astonishing,” said local terrier Bubba, “To be honest, it’s pretty gross yet for whatever reason he’s completely stuck with it. I’d really like to give him a treat.”
“My question though is; why?,” Bubba continued, “What grand philosophical insights could possibly lay behind the toil of this seemingly thankless task? What message is my beloved human trying to send behind this daily struggle? Am I a good boy? Perhaps a bad boy? Although I desperately hope not the latter.”
“What valuable knowledge will be gained from such a tortuous endeavor? I’ve spent years tussling with the idea. Rumor has it I twitch and growl in my sleep. Humans tend to think that’s because I’m dreaming about running. This is not the case. It’s that I simply cannot figure out why my beloved human insists on collecting my feces, day after day.”
“Although I should note, there have been a few times when my beloved human has omitted collecting my feces. It tends to happen when there are lots of leaves or snow on the ground or when there are no other humans in sight. He checks very thoroughly around the area before omitting a collection as he must be worried they would take the collection for themselves.”
“Alas,” Bubba concluded, “I do hope this is the year I finally find out what it all means.”