TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – There’s been a misunderstanding in Tallahassee.
During his daily news conference on Monday, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis admitted that until now, he was under the impression that the most effective method of dealing with coronavirus infection rates was to “fatten the curve” instead of “flatten the curve.”
“Look, I’ve never been big on words or whatever,” Governor DeSantis said, “But if you look at the actions I took based on what I thought our goal was, I actually did a pretty great job.”
Florida currently leads the nation with over 500,000 active coronavirus cases, accounting for over 2% of the state’s population.
Epidemiologist Dr. Steven Yang, head of Florida’s Coalition of Infectious Disease Epidemiologists, commented on the high percentage of Floridians infected by the virus.
“Next time you’re in line at the grocery store, take a look at the person in front of you and then the person behind you. Statistically, you both live in a state being fucked by the coronavirus.”
Florida’s response to the spread of the coronavirus has been described by critics as lax with the governor not implementing a statewide mask mandate and issuing its “shelter-in-place” orders late and for only a brief time period.
“Our state flag should be a pair of Depends hanging from a flagpole,” Dr. Yang continued, referring to the state’s large elderly population, “And yet the governor kept reassuring grandpa and grandma that they could go right ahead with their lives, taking sips out of each other’s Brandy Alexanders and throwing all their dentures in the same bowl before their daily pickleball match, because apparently there was no way these people would be affected by this virus when the sniffles take them down for a month.”
Dr. Yang then proceeded to stand up from the interview and throw his chair through the wall.
DeSantis shunned the recommendations of epidemiologists and instead relied primarily on the advice of his wife Casey, a former TV reporter, and his Chief of Staff Shane Strum, a former hospital executive. According to some, a tight-knit group completely insulating themselves from the realities of the world could explain the governor’s misunderstanding.
“I guess because Shane, who has zero medical background, worked in a hospital as an administrator, he thought he knew better than us?” Dr. Steven Yang continued, “And fuck, I’m not even going to waste brain cells on why he was getting medical advice for millions of people from his wife.”
At this point in the interview, Dr. Yang had procured a bottle of 190 proof grain alcohol, which he was proceeded to drink directly from the bottle.
Before the pandemic took hold, Florida had intended to host the Republican National Convention in Jacksonville. The convention was ultimately moved to a digital-only format (with select events at the White House) but DeSantis had promised to not require masks.
“Again, I thought that gathering thousands of people in one place without masks would fatten the curve. See where I’m coming from?” the Governor said.
Dr. Yang, at this point slurring his speech, continued on a profanity-laced tirade, “This is what I fucking do now. I drink and I drink and I drink from this fucking bottle like a god damn pirate of the Caribbean. And WHY? WHY you ask you snooty fucking reporter? Because every single day I feel like I’m taking fucking crazy pills living in this god damn state. Fuck. How has it become politically fashionable to ignore reality? Huh?! These people must be truly fucking idiots right? Please tell me they’re idiots. Because if they have the mental capacity to actually understand what’s going on and get up in front of these fucking press conferences and tell their lemming followers to act in a way that’s going to end up fucking killing them, then we’re dealing with the biggest set of fucking sociopaths the world has ever seen.”
After a pause, Dr. Yang said, “Anyway, fuck, I forgot what I was saying. Do you have any Funions?”