WASHINGTON, DC – In a devastating report released Monday morning by the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA), statistics show a perfect correlation between food consumption and mortality.
“The numbers are irrefutable,” said FDA spokesman Ellie Browning, “there’s a clear link between eating food and eventually dying.”
The report, based off a 150-year-old study of more than seven billion people around the world, the results point to an astonishing consistency across the board, with the “Discussion and Conclusion” section stating that:
“Despite controlling for an exhaustive list of variables including wealth, education, diet, skin color, left-handedness, religion, sexual orientation, political orientation and many more – there is a clear, causal relationship between eating food and eventual mortality ”
Despite the confidence expressed by the study’s authors, some in Congress are skeptical.
“I’ve never trusted these kinds of studies. It doesn’t feel right.” said longtime US Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “I ate food this morning and I’m not dead. How can these eggheads can be taken seriously?”
McConnell’s colleague Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX) went so far as to eat a sandwich on the floor of Congress to display how one could survive food consumption.