REDWOOD CITY, CA — For-profit crowdfunding platform, GoFundMe, has suspended the #SaveMelania campaign. The decision comes on the heels of a recording that surfaced last week where the First Lady of The United States of America is complaining about Christmas, neglecting the most basic aspects of her responsibilities, and expressing inhumane hatred for children.
In a statement delivered live from GoFundMe headquarters in Redwood City on Tuesday, CEO Tim Cadogan expressed his remorse.
“GoFundMe has strict policies for the causes we support. We absolutely do not endorse supreme dereliction of basic duties nor insensitivity that extends to helpless children placed in cages. If anything, it seemed to us like #SaveMelania was indeed a rescue effort for a goodhearted woman, oppressed and silenced by her chauvinistic husband.”
Campaign founder-turned-whistleblower, Stacey Potts, a 36-year-old yoga instructor, says she feels stupid.
“I thought she needed help. Usually she’s spurning Trump’s sloppy public displays of affection or being ignored by him. But I guess that doesn’t mean she’s a good person. Some of the signs were there all along but I just chose to ignore them.”
Potts went on to detail specific examples of these signs such as the time the First Lady of the United States of America visited immigrant kids at a border detention center sporting a jacket with the words “I really dont care, do u?” emblazoned across the back. The yoga instructor went on and on but eventually concluded that what really made her report her own campaign was her eventual recognition of “the silence.”
“You know, her husband was doing all this inhumane shit and she really never even tried to distance herself from him or try to soften what he was saying or even deflect! When you put that together with the jacket and these recent comments, it’s quite clear: she doesn’t want to be saved.”
For its part, GoFundMe now has the unique challenge of figuring out what to do with the $18M the #SaveMelania campaign had raised at the time of its suspension.
“We were going to spread it out equally across all other campaigns,” said Cadogan, but now we’re thinking about sending it to someone who really does need saving, like Kanye West.”
“Our only fear is that users may realize he didn’t need saving either. Afterall, the guy’s been an avowed jackass for almost ten years now.”