WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to prove that fraud took place during last week’s presidential election, Senators Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Mitch McConnell (R-KY), have declared defeat in races that they already won fair and square.
The two southern Republican stalwarts had spent the past several days echoing President Donald Trump’s charges of election fraud. Given that these accusations were completely unsupported by anything factual, they have put themselves on the chopping block for the President’s cause.
Bill Billingsley, McConnell’s chief of staff, explained the strategy in greater detail to The Daily Orb.
“We can’t seem to make this fraud thing work. It’s like getting a square peg in an oval ball, to turn a phrase. So we said okay, we got no facts so let’s sacrifice ourselves. Everyone voted in the same election, whoever voted for president also voted for senate. So if we wanna convince people of fraud, we should tell em Senator Graham was elected fraudulently too, just like Joe Biden. It’s all worth it in the long run if we can keep Trump in power til he dies.”
A senate staffer for Graham, who chose to remain anonymous, said the South Carolina Senator’s calculus was a bit different.
“Don Jr. called Graham election night and basically said: ‘Look here you backwoods closeted sissy boy, we’ve got no evidence of fraud and this was a clean election, more people will believe us if you say your win was a fraud too and we can afford to lose you. If you don’t declare defeat, my dad’s gonna have supporters at rallies calling you Lady G for the rest of your life.”
Prominent Democrats have accepted the two Senators’ decision and expressed appreciation that the flipped seats put them in a good position to overtake the Senate.
President-elect Joe Biden weighed in during an interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper on Tuesday.
“Here’s the deal Jake. These guys won fair and square. But if they want to do this voluntarily, I’m not gonna stop them. No matter what these clowns try, I will still be the winner. So if I’m the winner with two additional senators on my team, then that’s a pretty good deal.”