WASHINGTON, DC – In a surprise last-minute decision, President Biden has swapped out his initial pick for the Treasury post for a newcomer, opting for r/WallStreetBets firebrand u/DeepFuckingValue to take up the post over veteran banker Janet Yellen.
“Look with where we are with the economy and where we’re likely headed, we can’t afford to have anyone but a true YOLO’ing psycho heading that post,” said President Biden, “And I’ve given Mr. Value free reign in making the money printer go brrrrrrrr because that’s what these times call for.”
In a Reddit post, u/DeepFuckingValue laid out his plans for the first 100 days which includes:
- Making Dogecoin the official reserve currency of the United States
- Providing relief to GameStop until its stock reaches its true value of $2000/share
- Awarding the Medal of Honor to any Reddit user who held GME or AMC over the past 2 weeks without selling
Despite apparently not having the authority to enact certain reforms, Mr. Value has also said that he will have Steve Cohen, a prominent hedge fund manager who played a central role in last week’s drama, roasted over a bed of coals “like the pig that he is.” This in addition to having Robin Hood founders Vlad Tenev and Baiju Bhatt’s live location and their families’ home addresses posted to the r/WallStreetBets forum next time they halt trading on their platform.
When asked if he had any concerns over his own inexperience in such a position of influence, Mr. Value said, “The times are a changin my friend. Now let’s go to the fucking moon.”