WASHINGTON, DC – In their continued effort to curb voter turnout amongst Democratic-leaning constituencies, Senate Republicans are reviving a notorious piece of United States legislation just days before the 2020 Presidential Election.
The Three-Fifths Compromise, an outcome of the 1787 Constitutional Convention, stated that each slave would count as three-fifths of a person when counting that state’s total population (and therefore the number of delegates it would have in Congress), has been revived and modified to water-down what has already been a historic turnout amongst Black voters.
This modified version of the Three-Fifths Compromise, nicknamed M35, will count Black votes as 3/5th that of those cast by citizens identifying as Caucasian. Citizens of Latino and Asian descent will count as 4/5th with Native American‘s counting as 1/10th.
“This is our history and who are we to say it’s wrong,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell who sponsored the bill, “We are simply following the precedent that our Founding Fathers laid before us.”
In a Presidential Election year that has seen a staggering array of voter suppression tactics including closing polling places in majority Black neighborhoods, Texas’ single voting station per county, dismantling the USPS, rushing through a Supreme Court appointment and, in some cases, not counting mail-in ballots at all, this proved to be the final straw amongst incensed Democrats.
Within minutes of the news of the M35 legislation being announced, which was done stealthily through seldom-watched CSPAN-5, a crowd of protestors who had been demonstrating near the Capitol stormed the building and dragged Mitch McConnell out of his office.
Having explained the situation to a nearby construction site, the protestors were supplied with a drum of hot roofing tar while others ran to their nearby apartments to retrieve pillows which were torn apart to expose their feathers.
As the late October sun set over the National Mall, Mitch McConnell was tarred and feathered as the crowd, swollen to thousands, jeered him.
The Daily Orb briefly caught a glimpse of the happenings before a protestor commented, “We’ll show him as much mercy as he’s shown the American system. I’d recommend you avert your eyes unless you’re comfortable with blood.”