BETHESDA, MARYLAND – The United States’ push for a COVID-19 vaccine, nicknamed Operation Warp Speed, has surpassed a major barrier.
Pharmaceutical company Eli Lilly’s drug was green-lighted for the final phase of trials after only 10% of participants experienced side-effects that turned them into toads.
“I can’t express how big of a deal this is,” said Eli Lilly, CEO of Eli Lilly, “To go from half of our trial participants turning into jellyfish to only 10% turning into toads, I mean HUGE!”
Eli Lilly’s competitors have taken the opportunity to boast of their own achievements. Pfizer’s latest trial was celebrated after only 18% of participants developed flesh-eating bacteria in their testicles. Meanwhile, Gilead’s new treatment cured approximately 90% of its trials’ COVID-19 cases by swapping it out for the bubonic plague. Both companies’ drugs were also approved last week to move into the final phase of trials.
Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla does not expect any delays with final approval.
“Honestly, I’ve just been sending the trial results directly to Trump wrapped in a Hustler magazine,” he said.
Among the other well-known drug companies making a run at the vaccine are a couple of surprises.
Electric car giant Tesla’s brief vaccine trial was prematurely halted when investigators determined trial data to actually be CEO Elon Musk’s meticulous documentation of his cocaine ingestion. Despite this, the company’s stock has increased by 5,000%.
The other surprise trial was submitted by Elizabeth Holmes, founder of the now-defunct biotech company Theranos, who appeared to have just perjured Tesla’s data which, again, was Elon Musk’s cocaine usage.
As companies continue their rush to keep up with the Warp Speed’s uninformed demands, the tone of the pharmaceutical community could not be more upbeat.
“We should all consider ourselves very lucky to have such ingenuity during such an uncertain time,” said Eli Lilly as he stroked one of his pet toads held in the aquarium under his desk, who is rumored to be a former vaccine trial participant.