Portland, OR — For Bill Helmsely, a healthy diet was all about getting in touch with the way our ancestors ate.
But on Monday, the 42-year-old took this mentality too far when he concluded his 38-hour intermittent fast with the ingestion of three pounds of bark he barbarically ripped off of a tree next to his local bus stop.
Passersby said that Helmsely “gobbled” the bark within three seconds. He then spent five minutes writhing in pain on the ground and refusing medical attention. The health nut’s last words were “our ancestors didn’t have doctors, so why should I!”
Helmsley is survived by his spouse, Barbara, and his two sons. In an interview with the Daily Orb, Barbara Helmsely explained that her husband’s decision to eat bark was part of a trend that began many years ago.
“About 15 years ago, he started getting into these low carb diets that tell people to eat the way our ancestors did. You know, Atkins, Southbeach, Paleo, Keto, Stoneage, Hunter-gatherer. I think there’s even one called the Caveman diet. First, he was just cutting carbs and eating more greens, but after a while, he seemed hellbent on living like an actual caveman and becoming completely uncivilized.”
Barbara told The Daily Orb that she knew things had gone too far when her son informed her that the contents of a Lucky Charms cereal box in the pantry had been swiped out for gravel.
“I understand that our ancestors didn’t eat preservatives, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t eat rocks either. Didn’t they have a life expectancy of like 16 anyway?”
“He also stopped wearing clothes and developed a standing indifference to soiling himself,” she added ruefully.
Unfortunately, Helmsely’s legacy doesn’t end there. Writings from his health journal discovered after his death show that Portland’s “modern caveman,” was also mulling over the prospect of eating Bingles, the family dog, as well as spontaneous fornication with “anyone who walks by.”