PAPUA NEW GUINEA – A self-described ‘warrior’ in the war for liberalism, Ben Markson has fought his last battle but stuck to his principals to the end.
The California-native, who was on a tour of a remote region in Papua New Guinea, was captured and eaten by a tribe of cannibals.
During this slow and quite arduous process, Mr. Markson made it known that, despite them gorging on pounds of his flesh, he wanted the cannibal tribe to know that he still respected their culture.
“Look it doesn’t matter what tangible impact cultural norms and customs have on the real world,” he said as his leg was roasted. “The important thing is that we blindly respect them no matter how much they put human well-being at risk.”
“If Saudi Arabia decides that women need to be covered down to their wrists and ankles because men in their society couldn’t possibly function normally if they saw a lustily uncovered elbow or knee – I think that’s worth respecting! I think the respect and comfort of an entire sex is actually a small price to pay for the invaluable richness of that culture!”
“And if it’s part of the South African culture to get blackout drunk and drive home several nights per week which results in a couple of innocent people dying, well that’s just the price we pay for the richness of having them in our world! Nothing can be done.”
“And how about child marriages in Yemen? Look, who am I to comment on the institution of marriage in a culture even though 9% of girls are married by the time they’re 15. I mean maybe some would say that’s more of a human rights thing or whatever but hey! I’m here to respect not to think!” he continued.
Mr. Markson, who by this point had lost most of his body, concluded, “Look, the important thing is that we blindly respect cultures no matter how much they put human well-being at risk. Wait, did I already say that? Sorry I’ve lost a lot of blood.”
He then died.