ALBANY, NEW YORK – A man has set a new world record this past weekend by telling his girlfriend’s family that he is gluten-free 329 times.
The Daily Orb was the first to reach out to the new record holder.
“I was just sitting here eating one of my Udi’s Gluten-Free Bagels, because as you know my body can’t properly process gluten, when you called,” said 29-year-old Martin Delachamp, who had traveled to Albany, NY to meet his girlfriend’s family for the first time.
Mr. Delachamp says that he’s never been officially diagnosed with celiac disease, which causes gluten allergies, but sees no reason why that should stop him from inconveniencing everyone he dines with for the rest of his life.
“Look this is a serious condition! You don’t want to know what happens if I mistakenly get even a molecule of gluten in my system,” said Mr. Delachamp.
When pressed as to what exposure to gluten molecules may look like, Mr. Delachamp admitted that his “tummy starts hurting, real bad”.
An unofficial tally by The Daily Orb counted that 24 of these occasions he mentioned his gluten-free diet were while watching TV, 63 while assisting his girlfriend’s family grocery shop, 2 were while yelling from the bathroom and the remainder, 240 instances, were during group meals.
“Oh my god he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it,” said the girlfriend’s father, “I mean we’re happy to buy him his own bread, which by the way if fucking expensive, but I swear if he told me one more time how he had to switch the butter knife because of his ‘condition’ I was going to ram that butter knife into his jugular.”
“What a fucking douche,” said the girlfriend’s 9-year-old cousin, “Dude I’m nine and can tell that guy is full of shit.”
Controversy was stirred late Saturday evening as the group delved into an evening of drinking games.
“Before you know it, Douchechamp was shotgunning a Natty Light outside with my sister,” said the girlfriend’s older brother, “I mean, what the fuck?”
When asked to recount the incident, Mr. Delachamp insisted that Natural Light is “basically water” and that it was “fine”.