Jersey City, NJ — Ben Wells is a Senior Assistant Deputy Associate Director of Special Projects at Bank of America.
The young professional says he prefers his new life in Jersey City, New Jersey over his previous one at a group house in San Francisco’s neo-gritty, hip, Mission District where the 33-year old was “foolishly” working as an “aspiring app developer.”
“I went to school for computer science so I could follow my dreams, but ten years on I was still paying off my loans, sharing a permanently poop-stained toilet with 12 other people with the exact same goals as me, and posting fake shit on Instagram to ‘get noticed’ instead of actually working on my app.”
Wells says it was high-time to prioritize “practicality over happiness.”
“This is the life that makes sense for me. I bought an apartment, I watch Space Force on an actual television instead of my laptop, and I don’t have to share my oat milk with Raj anymore,” he explained. “Especially since he never paid for it.”
Wells is not alone. According to a new study from the Pew Research Center, millennials in coastal cities across the country are ditching their passions in droves for a more pragmatic lifestyle.
The shift has left once-titans of the American “experience economy” in dire financial straits.
Acting and improv academies in New York City and Los Angeles have lost 70% of their revenues this year, with 90% of their would-be returning students taking positions in “Project Management,” “Corporate Finance,” and, perhaps most-confusingly, “Data” at Fortune 500 companies.
CBD oil and manuka honey sales, two popular products among aspiring Instagram “influencers,” are also at record lows, while independent coffee shops that employ conceited baristas who claim they invented hummus are similarly scrounging for customers.
In a video posted to his TikTok account, former aspiring-Fitness Coach turned Interim Special Assistant Advisor for Internal Auditing for Fixed Assets at General Electric, Tom Laskins explained what he felt was a widely shared sentiment among his generational peers.
“Our parents told us we could be anything we wanted, and we tried to follow through on that. But it’s just too hard. I’m tired of eating cereal three meals a day, living at my parents house, and humiliating myself for likes for my “social media persona” just so I can teach my sculpting class at ‘Bill’s Gym’ once a month. I am a certified fitness instructor Bill! Why do I also have to be an influencer! I am 36-years-old, dammit!.”
As the experience economy staggers its way through the end of the year, multinationals are thriving. The Daily Orb caught up with JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon, to discuss the economic impacts of the shift
“We knew all along that these “dreamers” living on five dollars a day in the supposed “gig-economy,” trying to get famous or “give back” or “change the world” or whatever, were actually our next Deputy Assistant Managerial Analysts and Senior Interim-Acting Deputy Chiefs, among other important-sounding titles. They were dragging the economy down in their failure to contribute anything tangible and it’s nice to see them in the formal work force where they belong.”
According to the Pew survey, millennials make this decision with full knowledge of their own unhappiness, with 88% of respondents that are taking jobs in “Data” saying they “Strongly Agree,” with their parents’ generation (baby boomers), that you are indeed supposed to hate your job, “survive the rat race,” “work for the weekend,” and save all the fun things you enjoy for after you retire and collect a pension that no longer exists for your generation.
Among those respondents was Ben Wells.
“Some people do actually achieve their goals, but you’ve got to realize, the chances for you to be one of those people are less than 1% so why bother? Especially if life isn’t so bad on the other side? Look at me! I’ve bought nine of these so now I get a free one!” he said as he stood in line, clad in a white plaid button down shirt, grey slacks, and ugly shoes waiting for a pumpkin cream cold brew at a knockoff Starbucks.
As he handed the barista his punch card for a free drink, a single tear rolled down his cheek.