WASHINGTON DC – Researchers at NASA have confirmed that the Martian colony of Obamia is on pace to become completely uninhabitable by the year 2103. The colony, which was established in the mid 2030’s, has descended into chaos as incidents of Martian warming, police brutality, racial tensions, gun violence, drug cartels, militant extremism, and masses of refugees escaping civil wars in nearby Trumpistan, have put it on pace for almost the entire population to reach “harrowing destitution” within the next five years.
The issues facing the Martian colony are ironic considering the aims behind its origins. Obamia was founded shortly after NASA reported findings in the mid-2010s that substantiated the presence of intermittent flows of water on the red planet. Given that this was a time when swathes of terrestrial civilization were buckling under the ailments of global warming, police brutality, racial tensions, gun violence, drug cartels, militant extremism, and masses of refugees escaping civil wars in the Middle East, the colony was viewed by many as a second chance for humanity.
Alonzo Jacobi, a man recently shot in the leg in Obamia’s downtown Earthly district for what he calls “smoking while black,” recently told the Daily Orb that 2098 Obamia is no different from what he’s read 2015 New York City.
“The mid 2010’s were insane by earthly terms: I mean it was so bad that you had Black rap artists winning Oscar’s for songs that merely aspired for a better world…an unprecedented concept at that time. This was supposed to be the litmus test for a fresh start and here I am doing this interview with a hole in my leg…I guess it’s better than one in my skull, but I’d be insane to call that progress,” Jacobi lamented
Indeed, the deterioration of Obamia as well as its sister city Trumpistan – named for the exploration mission sent by America’s 45th President, Donald Trump in 2022 – speaks volumes about the human race and its potential to thrive.
Wingnut, a member of the first android class built in 2040, who works as a docent at the deserted American History Museum in the American capital of Washington DC, believes that humans have destroyed more than they’ve created.
“The laundry list of issues plaguing Earth could have been a fluke,” he explained to a group of fellow droids visiting the former tourist attraction,” but the fact that humans were able to take Obamia from ‘uninhabited’ to ‘uninhabitable’ in just seventy years is proof that this race is not fit to exist and is doomed to self-destruction,” he said.
The droid closed the tour by telling the group that this is why the android race was initially proposed over the archaic messaging system known as WhatsApp between do-gooder scientists Neil Degrasse Tyson and Bill Nye in 2025, as the two men had always maintained that the human race was doomed.
Wingnut was later physically removed from the bumper of a 1950’s Ford Thunderbird that his central magnet threw him into in the America’s Golden Age exhibit; it was the third time such an incident had occurred.
Thankfully staff were able to remove him manually instead of having to reactivate the Caterpillar forklift from the museum’s Construction in the 21st Century room.