San Francisco, CA — Grammar extremists stormed the headquarters of Grammarly on Tuesday to “deal a terminal blow to the Oxford Comma war.”
According to eye-witness accounts, the militant group, known as the Oxford Comma Revolutionary Front (OCRF), stormed the plugin’s headquarters in the financial district armed with hard copies of the eighth edition of the Modern Language Association (MLA) Handbook. Upon arrival, the guerillas broke into the “software development” department where they rewrote the Grammarly’s code to mark the absence of a comma before the last item in a series as an error one hundred percent of the time.
The militants, a non-threatening, clean-cut group of ordinary 30-something young professionals in blue-light filter glasses then issued a live statement, read by leader Kevin Burton, a 31 year-old education policy analyst at a local NGO.
The Oxford Comma issue was never a debate. It was always a war. The days of young professionals adding the Oxford Comma back into their companies’ official documents after their boss edits them out are over. Never again will an unassuming, average-looking, dead-end career having, unfulfilled, AAAAAAND middle of the road type have to wonder about whether someone loves their parents, Lady Gaga, and Humpty Dumpty or whether their parents are indeed Lady Gaga and Humpty Dumpty.
Unfazed staff who reportedly paid little attention to the incident said they vaguely heard cheers following Burton’s AAAND, meant to emphasize his audible recognition of the Oxford Comma. Others explained that the Lady Gaga and Humpty Dumpty comments were in reference to a helpful page on the company’s website that describes the issue as a matter of debate and preference, with a few comedic examples.
Speaking with the Daily Orb over the phone, Grammarly staff accountant Rahul Patel said he didn’t even realize they had been “attacked” until he heard chanting.
“They were chanting M-L-A the same way football fans say U-S-A at games, I thought they were new interns for some kind of MLA partnership,” he explained.
Speaking with Wolf Blitzer as part of a CNN BREAKING NEWS report on the incident on Wednesday, Grammarly CEO, Brad Hoover said he has no intentions of reversing the OCRF’s changes to the software’s code
“Honestly I didn’t even know about this until you called me Wolf. Probably just going to leave it as is. No one really cares anyway.”