Republicans leaders insist they would have been ‘totally cool’ if Obama had dismantled USPS; paid hush money to porn star

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican Party leaders have assured the American public that there is no double-standard in their support of President Trump’s actions over the past four years, saying it would have extended to former President Barack Obama in similar circumstances.

“Listen up eggheads,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “The values that my Republican colleagues and I have would absolutely not have been affected by who the president happened to be at the time. We’d have been totally cool with all of it.”

“If you think we would have made a stink about Barack paying off a porn star or grabbing a woman’s pussy, you’re out of your mind!” he continued.

“And if you think we would have gotten upset about him placing one of his top fundraisers in a position to dismantle the United States Postal Service before the largest mail-in election of all-time, you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about,” he continued, “We would have pretended nothing is happening, exactly the same way we have been.”

“And if he decided not to take decisive action at any point during the first pandemic of our lifetime resulting in nearly 200,000 dead and a completely neutered economy, our message of support for those actions would have remained unchanged!” he continued.

“And if Obama’s first four years had led to an $8.3 trillion increase in the national debt after promising to eliminate it, we would have supported him there too obviously!” he continued.

“And through all this if Obama had lied his ass off to the tune of 20,000 times over the first 27 months of his presidency, we’d have stood silently by his side!” he continued.

“And gosh if he had sent an unidentified military force into American cities to attack peaceful protests by American citizens, you would have heard not a peep from us!,” he continued.

“And goodness, if Obama had any type of business that was directly benefitting from his presidency you’d have still heard crickets from over here!” he continued.

McConnell went on to conclude, “What you eggheads don’t understand is that Republican values don’t change when times get tough. Small government, family values, and all men being created equal. That’s what we’ll always be about.”