LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – Glitz and glamor were on full display this weekend as disruptive investment app Robinhood unveiled their brand new hotel and casino, Diamond Hands, on The Strip in Las Vegas.
Nestled amongst bastions of gambling like Harrah’s, the Bellagio and Caesars Palace, Robinhood is aiming to grow their disruption of the investment world into formal gambling.
“Look, if we’re being real,” said Robinhood founder Vladimir Tenev at the grand opening, “using our app is basically gambling anyway, we just figured we might as well cut the charade and just build a casino”
“I mean, we’ve literally copied casino technology into our app,” he continued, “the only difference is that you’re gambling with shitty companies like Hertz instead of blackjack hands.”
The event spared no expense with invitees being treated to a Robinhood-themed soirée complete with an archery contest that allowed guests to shoot real arrows at executives from eTrade, Charles Schwab and TD Ameritrade. The event’s bartenders were dressed in Friar Tuck garb, serving cups of 100 year-old mead priced at $150 per glass. Upon departure, guests were provided gifts of burlap sacks full of real gold coins.
The gaudy theme was thanks in no small part to the massive sponsorships provided by Hertz, Norwegian Cruise Lines, Aurora Cannabis and American Airlines. Despite abysmal balance sheets, devastated cash flow and incompetent leadership, these companies continue to be buoyed by optimistic Robinhood traders.
“Cheers to those fucking idiots!” slurred a Norwegian Cruise Lines executive, who requested to remain anonymous, as she downed her eleventh glass of 100 year-old mead, “Without them I’d be back in Jacksonville working the lunch shift at Sizzler. But instead our turd of a company, who tricks people into paying money to sleep in a giant Coronavirus Petri dish, is somehow not out of business!”