RANDOLPH, VERMONT – President Donald Trump’s recent contraction of COVID-19 has led some otherwise kind-hearted citizens to entertain some disturbing thoughts.
“I found myself waking up each morning and eagerly checking my phone to see if [President Trump] had died,” said local mother of three Tara Ulman, “At first, and frankly still, I was really disturbed about those thoughts. That’s not the type of person I want to be, someone who is wishing death upon another human being. But the thoughts just kept happening, day after day. And finally, I stopped fighting it and start praying that the bastard died. My kids’ world would be better without him.”
Mrs. Ulman, who admits she regularly puts her own family in danger while swerving to avoid small woodland creatures in her minivan, was not alone in having such thoughts.
Across the world, typically peaceful personalities have found themselves wishing the worst for the American president.
House organizing sensation Marie Kondo tweeted, “The bastard sparks joy for no one.”
Meditation guru Ravi Shankar, who refuses to step on ants crossing his path in the forest, “I’m sorry to say it, and I may lose my enlightenment for saying this but screw it, I hope it takes him.”
Nature conservationist and narrator of Planet Earth David Attenborough suggested we let, “nature take its course” with that “animal.”
And perhaps most shocking of all, the universally-loved Tom Hanks admits to wishing Trump would “kick the fucking bucket.”
News of the President’s path to recovery was released just this morning. An audible groan was said to be heard from the direction of earth by astronauts manning the International Space Station.