CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA – In a year that has seen the acceleration of nearly every industry, higher-education has been no exception.
With students and their families tired of paying exponentially increasing tuition in exchange for a flatlining level of education, enrollment rates in many of the top universities have begun to wane in favor of online programs which are cheaper, offer more targeted types of education, and are increasingly being looked upon favorably by potential employers.
Having dominated the industry for hundreds of years, these large state universities are not going down without a fight.
In an effort to get ahead of this concerning trend, University administrators have developed a new marketing plan that touches on an aspect of their on-campus experience with which online programs cannot compete; sex. Specifically, inaugural sex.
The campaign is called “Great Place to Lose Your Virginity” and is being spearheaded by University of Virginia’s Professor of Marketing Thomas Mueller.
“Universities really are wonderful places to lose your virginity. I lost mine here, my wife lost hers here, albeit not to me but to John Simon who was starting at middle linebacker at the time but I’m over that OK? Yes she still calls me Johnny every week or so when we’re making love but I don’t really see it as a problem” said Mueller.
“Anyway,” he continued, “by missing out on the campus experience, you’re missing out on what is without a doubt the greatest sex opportunity or sexortunity, a term which I trademarked, of your life!”
“Look, even if you’re a total loser there is a very strong chance if, for no other reason than the sheer number of opportunities, a drunk & horny boy or girl will fall naked into your bed begging for you to cash in that v-card! You feel me??” said the professor who then asked for a high-five.
“The main thing is though, that if we start losing all these students, our state-of-the-art dining and fitness facilities and our antiquated professor tenureship runs the risk of going away. And we can’t have that.”