BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT – Stephen A. Smith, ESPN’s daytime television personality who has become famous for his loud, boisterous outbursts, is reported to have recently begun using a hearing aid. The results surprised no one more than Mr. Smith himself.
“I-was-yell-ing!” he said as he clapped his hands between syllables, “Like big time yelling. I had no idea!” said Mr. Smith, “The fact that these cats were listening to me the whole time is ab-so-lute insanity!”
Criticism has been levied at Mr. Smith over the years claiming that his style is too aggressive. Critics claim he frequently ruins what is intended to be a relaxing experience.
“When I turn on the television, I’m looking for an escape, not to get accosted,” said longtime television watcher David Yarborough, “I get enough of that from my alcoholic wife.”
According to Mr. Smith, this could prove a truly profound revelation.
“I mean I get why my wife wouldn’t let me tuck in our kids at night. I was just shouting ‘goodnight’ in their ear,” Mr. Smith continued, “Come to think of it, this also explains my lifetime ban from AMC [Theaters].”
Mr. Smith says he plans on continuing to use the hearing aid, saying it will not take away from his strong negative opinions of the Dallas Cowboys football team, who are objectively a joke of a franchise.