WASHINGTON, DC — Americans across the country were shocked on Tuesday when the Pew Research Center released the findings of a national survey that aimed to assess people’s level of comfort with their own public displays of uncivilized behavior.
According to the survey, a whopping 88 percent of professional Americans have “no issue whatsoever” with picking their noses on a crowded subway car so long as they can confirm no one is looking. This percentage drops only marginally (to 84 percent) if the person who happens to be looking is “of no concern.”
Descriptions of those who are “of no concern” included senior citizens and those who do not appear to be speaking English.
The data on nose-picking was largely similar for other public displays of uncivilized behavior, including farting, picking your wedgie, scratching your privates, and blowing snot rockets. The data also seemed to break out similarly across age groups.
The only variable that seemed to make a dent in participants’ comfort with their own filth was the presence of what respondents referred to as, “hot people.”
Joe Banks, a 35-year-old professional working in tech in San Francisco, who participated in the survey, explained this phenomenon to The Daily Orb in an interview.
“Sometimes I’m walking down the street and I just really have to fart, you know? If the only people around me are senior citizens or people from another country, I’m pretty sure they don’t know me and that I’m never going to see them again, so I just go for it, loud or silent, smelly or not.”
“But the other day I was about to let one rip when I saw this hot woman about my age in the corner of my eye. I’d hate to ruin my chances with her by farting near her!”
“…not that we actually talked or I ever saw her again,” he added as he became self-reflective.
Banks says that while he has no shame about blowing snot rockets onto the pavement in the presence of those of “no concern,” he hates when the tables are turned.
“Sometimes hot women turn around, make eye contact with me, and then fart loudly and I’m like what the hell! Am I not important enough for you to hide your farts around?!”