LONDON, UK – Leaning back in his dark mahogany, red leather chair, Cornelius Fudge sighs deeply and folds his hands in his lap.
“The similarities are quite too clear to deny,” the former Minister of Magic says after a short pause, “the way the United States has chosen to handle the novel coronavirus is in many ways, and I’m embarrassed to say this, very much in line with how we handled the Dark Lord’s return”.
The Dark Lord to whom former Minister Fudge refers is Voldemort, is the notorious wizard who led a nearly-successful coup of the magical world back in the early 2000s. The plan was ultimately thwarted by a bespectacled teenager but the experience has nonetheless left Fudge with many regrets about his handling of the situation.
“Closing your eyes and wishing things to go away is not an effective strategy for dark wizards, nor highly-contagious pathogens,” said Fudge, “and I worry that by employing this strategy President Trump is setting himself up a Battle of Hogwarts-type situation. Unfortunately he will not have the coalition we had.”
Sources have confirmed to The Daily Orb that an international coalition of magical healers, led by the Hogwart’s own Madam Pomfrey, offered their services to the Trump administration early in the pandemic.
“Offering direct assistance to Muggles is not typical, but these are not typical circumstances,” the official statement from Pomfrey’s coalition read.
President Trump replied publicly that he would refuse the offer stating, “When the Ministry sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have a lot of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing dirty magic. They’re stinky broom riders. But some, I assume, are good people.”
As daily cases of COVID-19 in the United States top 50,000 and states with the highest infection rates showing no sign of returning to quarantine, many concerned Americans look to their own bespectacled hero for salvation.
The Daily Orb continues to report on the novel coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic.