GASTONIA, NORTH CAROLINA – With the 2020 Presidential Election only four days away, President Donald Trump has kicked his in-person campaign rallies, events he relied upon to fuel his victory in 2016, into high gear.
But as cases of the novel coronavirus continue to surge around the country, the President is increasingly concerned that his most dedicated supporters will not be alive long enough to cast their ballots in his favor.
A recent study estimates that Trump rallies in these areas between June and September could be linked to more than 700 COVID-19 deaths. The toll of the rallies in October remains to be seen. Despite this, fourteen more rallies have been planned in Pennsylvania alone in the days leading up to Election Day
“Look, we just need to keep these very good people alive until November 3rd,” said Mr. Trump as he helicoptered away from a campaign rally which resulted in seven supporters needing to be hospitalized, “After that, it is what it is.”
Back at the White House, the President granted The Daily Orb a short interview.
Being that many of these supporters live in rural areas without health insurance, the President was asked what support those who suffered from long-term effects of the novel coronavirus would have should his administration win a second term, “Look, I told you. These are very good people. They’re very good people. And they’ll continue to be very good people.”
Upon being asked for further clarification on what the fuck that meant, the President continued, “China, emails, the Kung Flu virus, Crooked Hillary, Antifa, Hunter Biden, emails. Did I say emails? These are very bad things being done by very bad people. And there are very good people trying to stop these very bad people and very bad things and very bad emails from being done.”
A brief, awkward pause ensued after which the President took a sip of his Diet Coke, burped and turned on Fox News.