WASHINGTON, DC – The drama surrounding Postmaster General Louis DeJoy’s dismantlement of the United States Postal Service has come to an end as President Donald Trump has intervened to save the struggling agency.
Multiple sources have confirmed to The Daily Orb that the impetus behind President Trump’s intervention was the disruption of a pen pal correspondence with President Vladimir Putin of Russia.
“He was inconsolable,” said Mariah Havens, a member of the White House staff. “He wouldn’t come out of his room for two days after hearing that Vladimir’s latest note didn’t make it. We had to eventually coax him out by promising to him he could have ice cream before dinner.”
“We actually used the whole ice cream thing when he wanted to bomb Iran too,” she continued, “It totally works.”
The pen pals’ correspondence reportedly dates back to 2007 when Trump sent Putin a fawning congratulatory letter after the Russian president was named Time Magazine’s “Man of the Year”.
Most of Trump’s letters since have included a variation stick figure woman with enlarged breasts, accompanied with arrows clarifying that they are in fact “boobs.” In reply, most of President Putin’s letters have included stick figures of men, women, and children which are typically dismembered by some sort of projectile or another stick figure labeled as “KGB.”
Initially, this correspondence between such powerful figures elicited the interest of the FBI, which began secretly screening the letters. After several months of review, no pattern was discovered.
“Either these guys are playing 4D chess and communicating on an entirely different plane than us, or they have the mental capacity of 8-year-olds,” said a source from within the FBI.
Since the dismantlement of the USPS was halted, Trump’s normally active Twitter account has been largely quiet.
“He’s working very hard on a very special letter to make up for the missed correspondence,” Havens said, “He’s heard a rumor that Vladimir started exchanging letters with Kim Jong-un and is incredibly worried he lost his pal for good.”