TOKYO, JAPAN – In an unprecedented move, the International Olympic Committee has announced the addition of a new Summer Olympics event less than three months from the opening ceremonies in Tokyo. The event has officially been named ‘Wokeness.’
Despite the fact that the news has created waves across the world, IOC committee member Atiti Morales is in full support of the decision.
“Considering the unprecedented amount talent that has gathered around this particular area in such a short period of time, how could we not showcase it on an international level?” said Mrs. Morales, “We finally get to see that behind-the-keyboard snarkiness put on full display. I personally cannot wait.”
The United States’ two entrants are chomping at the bit.
“I’m actually kind of offended they didn’t do this sooner. Ugh, typical patriarchy,” said Whitney Moore of Brooklyn, who will be representing the United States and reportedly comes in with a US-best average of 40.6 times-offended-per-day (TOPD), “Oh and by the way did you read the recipes section of The New York Times this morning? Putting international recipes for tacos and tajins in there is both racist and cultural appropriation. That editor needs to be fired like now.”
While Ms. Moore is clearly rounding into form, she faces stiff competition from the western region in the form of unlikely budding superstar Amos Stansbury who, after being raised by an ultra-conservative Mormon family in eastern Oregon, has come out as a voice against the evils of society.
“Look I don’t know what that cisgendered WASP Whitney told you but I’m here to take a stand once-and-for-all against the patriarchal, corporate, white, blond, Shania Twain-loving bigots that are ruining our country,” Mr. Stansbury tweeted to us while sitting at the same cafe table, “and if partaking in the whitest, most racist event in the history of mankind helps me do that, then fine.”
Asked how an event that is inclusive of most of the world’s countries and cultures is racist, Mr. Stansbury responded, “You need to be fired for even asking that.”
Clearly, the contestants are ready.
The details of the competition have yet to be divulged but you can be sure that the contestants will not like them one bit, no matter what they are.
The Daily Orb will continue covering these historic events as they unfold.