Woman goes on journey to understand why it takes 14 days to unsubscribe from a digital newsletter
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – After being notified that it would take 14 days to unsubscribe her from the Economist’s digital newsletter, journalist De’Nay Warbler decided to investigate why such a seemingly simple task could possibly take so many days to execute. We caught up with her after her investigation.
“It’s actually an amazingly complex process,” Ms. Warbler said, “much more involved than I ever thought possible in this digital age. Let me take you through it.”
“First, when the request is initially received, a scribe trained of the highest order writes the unsubscribe instructions on a piece of parchment and ties it around an arrow made of only the finest cedar. She then hands the arrow off to an archer, trained for years in highlands of Scotland, who fires the arrow southward towards a counterpart several furlongs away. This firing of arrows continues south for miles down an ancient line of archers who have dedicated their lives to sending and receiving these unsubscribe requests.”
“Despite their years of training and ultimate dedication to the cause, arrows do get lost along the way and alas, those unsubscribes are not fulfilled. It’s in the terms of service.”
“The arrow line ultimately ends at the edge of a dark swamp where the parchment containing the unsubscribe instructions is handed gingerly to a brave knight, clad in the finest armor and sworn to an order whose lifelong mission is to fulfill these requests. The knight sets off by foot into the horrid swamp to be greeted by blood-thirsty alligators, deranged witch doctors and poison frogs whose, and this is true, farts can kill a grown man. It’s a true, look it up.”
“Again, if for any reason the unsubs do not make it through the swamp of horrors, there is a clause in the Economist’s terms of service that says your subscription stays active.”
“Continuing on, once the brave knight makes his way through the swamp, the trouble is just beginning. Tired from days of walking, the knight collapses in a nearby inn (he has a monthly accommodation stipend provided by the Economist) but not before passing the unsubscribe request to a alcoholic townsman who got this job because his sister is on the town’s Council of Elders. There is some controversy about his continued placement in the unsubscribe process as he loses far more requests that he delivers, but the Economist doesn’t seem to mind and keeps him on.”
“Anyway, once the townsman delivers the (usually pissed/vomit-stained) unsubscribe request to Janice in Human Resources, the request is usually processed within about 5 days. She’s not very good with computers and types pretty slow.”
“So,” said Waberly, “that’s actually how unsubscribes are processed. Amazing and almost a little refreshing that in an era dominated by instant-gratification that there’s still a process that takes it’s time.”
“Unless, of course, you’re the one who requested to be unsubscribed. Then it’s very fucking annoying.”
