World shocked to learn country music star does not like dirt, thinks it’s “gross”
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – A video has surfaced of country music star Kenny Chesney in which he is handed a clump of dirt by his young nephew to which he replied, “Eww! Dirt is gross! Get that away from me I just got a pedicure!”
Mr. Chesney, famed for tunes like She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy, has put his future career in doubt as his farm-boy persona is now being questioned across the entire industry. The Orb had an opportunity to sit down with Mr. Chesney to clear the air.
“Look, it’s not like I’ve never been to a farm. I mean, when we did the music video for She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy I had to go to this god-forsaken shit hole in Oklahoma for like an entire week. I can’t tell you how many tubs of lotion I had to go through to keep my skin hydrated there,” he said, “And we had to get sushi flown in from the coast because I was not about to let their country slop go straight to my thighs.”
“Look, I got into this business for one reason and one reason alone; GIRLS! That’s it. And you know what girls like? Dudes who work on tractors. So guess what? Voila! I’m a god damn tractor pulling manly man. Wait, do tractors get pulled or do they pull stuff? Trick question! It doesn’t matter as long as the girls think I’m somehow involved with the tractor. Keep your eye on the prize, rookie,” he continued.
“Look man, I’m just going to play this entire thing off like I was trying to get in touch with my feminine side after my therapist suggested I was too manly. The girls are going to love that shit. Love it, buddy. Take some notes,” he concluded, “Oh and do you have any Topo Chico? I’m absolutely drying out.”
